Back to Work...

Today was my first day really back to work since I have started my diet and I was a little worried as to how I would feel and how tired I may be... But all turned out well. I even managed to get in a little treadmill time and have all in all felt pretty good today.

Had a slight headache and ended up taking some Tylenol but that took care of it and it has not returned, makes me wonder if all of my migraines and previous headaches were dehydration and food intake related. That would be amazing if by getting healthier and making healthier choices it also took care of my headaches, I was having severe headaches daily and now I am not, so I can only hope!

I will say that right now I am little hungry for whatever reason, which I was two days ago, not yesterday and then now today, so there really seems to be no rhyme or reason to it... Maybe it is more of a psychological hunger?

Found a new quote today... "Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can."  The quote reminded me of The Little Engine That Could and that in turn reminded me of my Grandparent's house, and those memories always make me smile!

Oh, and as I sit here and finish writing this, the hunger seems to have waned... so no doubt it's definitely psychological!

What A Difference A Day Makes...

Today has been a good day, I actually had to force myself to finish my allotted portions today as I just was not really hungry by later in the evening...

But, my treadmill time was reduced today due to the fact that my muscles are really really ticked off at me right now, my calves really are achy and confused. I think they would run away from home, if they weren't so sore! Anyway, I walked 16 minutes and then decided to give them a rest, my calves that is. I am stretching and warming up/cooling down I just think they are so unused to the motion that they are really confused as to what is going on!

I have also noticed another little interesting tidbit, my rings fit better! Now, I am sure this is not from weight loss but rather water retention loss, feels great to not be swollen and really uncomfortable every morning. Thats an added benefit I never even thought about!

I had a really meaningful and insightful conversation with a friend today, the same friend who inspired me to do what I am doing, and it is amazing how airing your feelings and thoughts with someone who completely understands and has been there makes things seem more manageable somehow.

The guys ate from home tonight and both seem to be full and satisfied, and them cooking did not bother me at all, so another plus.

I have started looking up Nutrition content on some of my past favorite foods, and WHOA I am shocked... In one meal yesterday my son ate as many calories as I am allowed to eat in two and a half days, really makes me consider what I had been eating.

I am surprised at the little differences in me that I am already noticing, like the fluid and swelling, and so amazed at what a difference a few days have made in my thinking. Now, do I trust myself to make good choices? No way, not yet. But am I learning what is actually in the foods that I was putting in my body, yes slowly I am learning how bad that junk was...

I actually figured it up and in a typical day (typical being described as lunch at home, take out and then an after dinner snack) I was consuming about 2960 calories, and thats a typical day, because there were days when we'd eat take out twice... Holy Moly! No wonder I am in the size and shape I am in today...

I really renewed my commitment to my health today and am just taking this one day at a time, but it is my turn to take care of me, to put me first for a little while and I know it!

A Hard Day

Today has been the hardest so far.

Today has been a day of challenges, and I have met each one head on. Though I will admit a few times I did feel discouraged.

First thing this morning, I did weigh and was SO SO SO proud of my accomplishment, I was so motivated and driven. I got on the treadmill first thing as I knew we were going to my mother-in-laws house and I would not have time later, and even my treadmill time was good, I walked for 28 minutes and cleared over a mile... I was sure it was going to be a great day!

Then as the day really got started things started ticking away at the motivation and the drive... Things like me telling my husband how much weight I had lost in just two days and him letting me know he had lost more. I have stuck to the program done everything that the doctor has suggested and last night he eats a 12" sub from Subway and has been 'snacking' all along and he loses more than me? I was discouraged.

Then, I shook that off and we left to go to his mom's, all in all we had a good day, and as we were getting ready to leave his father wants us to take him to get wings... Argh! We had called ahead and explained we were not eating, not going out, nothing to do with food and still he asked... Wow! I was discouraged.

Then, we come home to a hungry teenager, and instead of going to eat with him, my darling husband decides to bring in Sonic and Subway again...  I was discouraged.

I am not sure how to get my point across, I sat them both down and asked for specific things, like no take out in the house (this is the third day of my diet and they have brought in take out twice...) I didn't even ask them to not eat out, just that if they were wanting take out to please go to the restaurant and eat it there...

Sometimes I feel like there is a huge lack of respect for me and my feelings, sometimes I feel like my wants and even my needs are not important to either of them. I was discouraged.

I did it through all of that and all of the temptations, I resisted and stuck to it, and have to admit am proud of myself for that feat. I just wish I knew how better to express my feelings to either or both of them.

My final challenge has been that today I have been a little hungry and I have not  been over the last two days, so combine the fight of the hunger with the unwelcomed temptations and thats a double whammy...

But, as I sit here tonight I did it, I made it all the way through a somewhat hellish day and am stronger (even if only a little) for it.

A+ Test Grades...

I passed a test today, not the kind with writing utensils and paper, but rather the kind that life throws at you just to see if you are really paying attention. I was sound asleep this morning when my husband walked into our bedroom and not so calmly woke me up. He was excited, adrenaline pumping and his voice relayed that message to me even in my half asleep stupor. Our truck had been broken into... Sitting in our driveway, in a nice and safe neighborhood, we had been robbed. At first, I was like, WHAT? and then almost immediately realizing he was serious I jumped right out of bed.

A couple of items were stolen and the damage was minimal to none, however, the most frustrating thing is my son's backpack was stolen, I mean come on, who steals a child's backpack... But then I guess if you have the moral values that will allow you to break into someone else's vehicle and take things that don't belong to you then you have the moral values that say stealing a child's backpack is okay as well. My A+ grade comes from the fact that I didn't reach for my 'security blanket' of foods, I didn't freak out and grab the first thing that looked good to me. I took a deep breath, grabbed a bottle of water and went outside to wait for the police. Happy dance...

I have also felt really good today, no headache, which in and of itself is a mini miracle, drank my water stuck to my program and have done my little happy dances along the way. I got on the treadmill and met my goal, I made it 30 minutes and walked over a mile, I am impressed and proud of myself for that accomplishment and yes, I did a big happy dance, too...

I am struggling with whether I actually want to weigh myself tomorrow, the advice of the doctor was that if I needed motivation, that weighing myself on the third day may help, but I am worried that if I do not see progress I will be depressed, I am not sure what kind of progress I even expect to see and not sure whether progress is even possible this quickly. Something to think about and consider as today turns into tomorrow.

As far as the program and the my overall journey, today has been another easy day, with my motivation level increasing and my mini goals being reached I am confident that tomorrow's challenges will feel less intimidating if for no other reason than the memory of today's victories.

I received an email from a business client not to long ago and at the bottom of his signature was a simple, yet completely true, statement. Its a statement that I repeat to myself often and one that I  would like to share with you here.  - "The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there."

Oh how true that statement is!

Happy Dances

It's official! I started my diet and life long behavior change today, funny I thought it would be a little harder to change something you have done for 34 years at the drop of a hat, but today has not been hard.

Now, I am not delusional, I know that I am very motivated today and being its the first day I am also still 'full' of greasy and cheesy foods, and as this goes on I will probably refer back to this blog post and shake my head for even writing that first paragraph, but today, right now, it was not that hard.

Thats what I have told myself I have to do, just take one day at a time, look for all the positives of that day and do a little happy dance where those are concerned. So, my daily goals are easy to achieve and thats how I am going to stay motivated, focused and on my 'happy dance' feet!

About 4 months ago I decided that I wanted a treadmill, I mean I HAD to have one, it was going to be the answer to my problems. In my thought process just the mere fact of it sitting in the house was going to make me yearn to hop on and walk right into the slimmer sizes of my youth. I was going to use it everyday, thats what I told my husband as well as myself. I would take time to hop onto the thing every chance I got... Sure... Well, thats not the way it worked out. I got on it two maybe three times before it really just became another piece of furniture that was in our way.

So today, the treadmill beckoned and I climbed on. Yes, happy dance time. I was walking away and really patting myself on the back, as the timer hit 10 minutes, I was a third of the way to my end point. I felt good, had the music playing and I thought to myself, this is so easy and wondering why I hadn't been doing this all the time, and then the timer hit 11 minutes, and slowly my legs said what the hell are you doing? And, I told myself push, those legs will follow, and I did I pushed and I worked through the muscle burn, and the timer hit 12 minutes. So, to make a longer story a little shorter, I walked for 18 minutes and am still proud of myself. I will do it again tomorrow and push for 30 again... Hopefully I will make it all the way but if not, at least to 19 minutes!

See thats the difference this time, baby steps, my mind doesn't think I have to be a size smaller tomorrow because I spent 18 lousy minutes on the treadmill... I am looking at this as a life long change and not as an immediate gratification process.

Now, I will say that I did get more exercise, and this may be too much information but I am amazed by it, so I think I will share. I have drank a cumulative total of 101.4 ounces of water today, and I have been to the bathroom so many times, that honestly you almost have to count the walk there as extra exercise! Really, it has become a joke between myself and my husband and I know that this means I was way under my daily needs in water prior to today. By way under my needs, I probably should specify that the last time I drank water was probably the last time I jumped in a pool and forgot to close my mouth. I am a Diet Coke addict, and have been for years, probably consuming at the very least an entire 2 liter a day, and I have not had the first one today... If this keeps up you may want to consider selling any Coca-Cola stock you have, I am sure they will miss me!

So, in conclusion for today I have to say, its been a good day. I have done a few happy dances for mini goals I have completed(dancing only after my legs calmed down from the now infamous treadmill scene) and I am still very positive and excited about my new beginnings.

Please feel free to follow along, I am sure its going to be a fun and strange adventure.

The Start of My Weight Loss Journey

Hello my name is Kim and I am an overeater.

I have a very strong addictive quality that goes deep into my subconscious and is there, just there. Not that I am using this as an excuse, by any means, I actually just learned this today. An eye opener to say the least and something I had never even considered, but let me explain how I came upon this realization and what this means in the grand scheme of things.

I decided that I was going to do something for myself. I was going to give myself a gift for my upcoming birthday, see I will be 35 years young at the end of this month and I am tired of not recognizing the person in the mirror, and honestly tired of being tired. I made a few calls, did some extensive online research and decided I was going to lose weight, going to regain my life from the one thing that I have let have control of me.

Oh, don't get me wrong... I am not some shrinking violet who never speaks her mind or who prefers to hide in a corner when the going gets tough. Oh no, I am the type of person who has always met adversity head on, been the one with too much mouth and not enough tact, the one with the plan and typically the one with the drive to fix what needed to be fixed. But the one thing I have struggled to 'fix' is my weight. There has always been something more important to do, or in other words something easier to fix along the way.

So, over the years I have continually gained, I wasn't the smallest thing in high school, hovering between a tight seven and a loose ten I was okay and in society's mind I was overweight but not bad and in my mind I was 'okay'.

Then, I got married and got to eating - really eating - anything and everything I wanted. I didn't care what amount of calories or junk I was putting in my mouth, it felt good, tasted good and was what I wanted so I did it. And, I continued to do it, I fried everything, and I do mean everything from the typical meats to vegetables it was all fried and battered, stewed in butter and coated with calories and oh how good it tasted.

Then one day I woke up and I was fat, no it didn't happen overnight, but it felt like it did, I think one day it just hit me. I was shopping in the Women's Department by the age of 22 and it felt normal and acceptable, I was fine, didn't need anyone to tell me what I was doing to my health, to my body I was doing what I wanted and it was comforting.

And, I guess looking back, thats when the addiction started. Food was comforting. Escaping into the kitchen to cook and into the dining room to eat was comforting. I was in a bad marriage and maybe that had something or a lot to do with it but I can't blame my behavior on someone else's stupidity, I just ate and ate and ate. The pattern continued and my weight would hold around the same for a few years and then it seemed I would go up a size and it was okay, I was older, and the clothes were smaller, that was my justification.

I would lose a few pounds now and again when I either tried or things got to the point that my life was in such turmoil that eating was the last thing on my mind. Pounds dropped because of lack of eating not because of eating healthier or because I was really trying but simply because I wasn't eating. Then I'd get so hungry that I would binge eat and the cycle would reset itself. Until today, today I have made up my mind it stops.

There's a mirror hanging in my home where you can see yourself as you walk in the door, wasn't really planned that way, it just sort of happened, and about two weeks ago, I was walking through the door and I didn't recognize me. I am not talking about some cliché or figure of speech, I mean I honestly for a split second thought some stranger, some fat girl was behind me. Then when I realized it was me, I sort of laughed it off and for a moment thought I was going insane. But, the seed was planted, the thought was there, and it continued to nag its way into my thoughts, daily at first and then hourly. I even went to the same mirror a few times to look and see if I could replicate that shock, that lack of personal knowledge and of course I couldn't. But that thought seed was growing and was really bothering me.

I started looking up diets on the internet, like a crazy woman, first day I think I researched about 11 hours, and I don't know if you've ever truly tried to research weight loss but let me tell you there are literally millions of opinions, medical and not, covering everything from both ends of the spectrum. So, after all that research I knew nothing more than when I started, everyone has their opinion and they all seem to be supported by medical evidence. So, what I did... I turned to family and a friend.

A friend who has had success with a local doctor, and success that I could personally see and a person I could actually talk to seem like the best road to travel. So, thats exactly what I did. I went to see the doctor she recommended today, and the doctor said something that is still ringing in my head... She explained that overeating is an addiction, like alcohol, but with alcoholics in rehab you take away there source of addiction, but you can't just take away food its always there and she told me I had to relearn how to eat again, so I have decided to take her advice and officially start on the 'program' tomorrow. I am excited, I am nervous, I am a little scared and a little part of me feels like a child about to embark on a brand new and glorious adventure.

I really can't wait to see what the next 10-18+ months hold for me and though its not going to be easy or even pleasant at times, I know the benefits will outweigh (excuse the pun, I couldn't help myself) the unpleasantness 1000 fold and when my weight loss goals have been attained, I will still be Kim. But then my blog will start with the sentence "Hello, my name is Kim and I am in total control of me."